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halphillips asks:
Somehow, for some reason, there is an exact replica of yourself, and you must battle him to the death. You are completely similar in all ways: skills, weaknesses, knowledge, strategy, etc. You have equal access to all external resources, such as weaponry. There is no discernible difference between you, nothing to give either of you any advantage whatsoever. How do you win this battle?
First and foremost, a flurry of confusion would overcome me. I would see myself as the world seems me: how I really sound, how I really look, how I really am. This replica (for this scenario called Baer2) would go through the same… though perhaps more? Does Baer2 know he is a replica? I know myself, and if I was suddenly hit with the knowledge that I was but a mere copy… it would be the destruction of my reality.
And now we’re forced to face each other in combat. Is this entertainment? Are both our lives over if we refuse? Who the fuck replicated me? That seems to be my real opponent.
I would raise this concern and attempt to strike a deal, knowing full well Baer2 would be thinking the same. I know if I was a replica, I would want to survive, to continue to exist, and to become more than a replica.
However, I might also want to replace the original, to become the new original.
At the end of the day, I can’t trust Baer2. At the first opportunity, I would kill him. It would have to be fast, and it would have to be precise. I would hope that he understood, as I would understand him doing the same to me.
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Bridgecomedy asks:
Say you’re getting chased by a pack of zombie beagle puppies through the West Village. How do you shake them? Please assume they are all wearing snappy new sweaters and/or parkas.
Beagles are a hunting breed. They’re fast (though not the fastest breed of dog)… I do not know what zombification will do to their speed. The sweaters and/or parkas may decrease their maneuverability, but I can’t count on that. I have to run, as fast as possible, into a group of people.
You read that right. Forget other people: I’m surviving. I’m heading for a large group of people, I’m pushing people out of my way… I’m knocking them down. If I’ve shaken even a few of these zombie pups off my trail, I’m winning.
As I’m running, I’m looking for a club or a bat or a stick, anything to protect myself. Traffic will make it all but impossible to get away in a car or bus, so as soon as I feel myself getting tired, I’ll be force to find shelter. I need to find a solid door (metal or wood) with few windows and do my very best to barricade myself in and defend my life until the end.
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Sussybuckets asks:
I’m out on a pleasure cruise to Catalina Island when my boat (not unlike this one: http://www.catalinaexpress.com/) is attacked by Somali pirates. There are about 50 other people on the boat, most of them strangers. There’s a snack bar on the boat, but no other food and no traditional weapons at my disposal. What do I do to ensure my survival? Please be as specific as possible.
Somali pirates are heavily armed (semi-automatic pistols, fully automatic rifles, hand grenades) people with little to lose but most of them are not murders. Some are ex-military, but most are fishermen who have turned to piracy because the fish were poisoned in the late 90s.
Most of the time, pirates go after cargo vessels, not cruise ships. The fact that you’ve been attacked is troubling. Cargo ships have begun to have security teams with them, so the pirates might be after you for a quick score. In this situation, you have to put your trust in the ship captain and his crew. They will, hopefully, approach the situation as a business exchange. Money and jewelry will be collected, and hopefully the pirates will quickly be on their way. This is your best case scenario. In this instance, keep your head down, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and try your best to be in the back out the pack (they’ll round up all the passengers in the biggest area of the ship to keep an eye on you). Somali pirates have killed people, but almost all the deaths have been against military (or private security) forces that have attacked them.
The pirates might want your ship. That could be why you’ve been attacked. In that case, you have to get on a life boat. Right now, you’re betting that the pirates aren’t going to murder 50+ people in cold blood. But there might not be enough life boats for all passengers, so you want to be on the first one, or you better be ready to dive overboard towards one.
If someone (or a group) tries to surprise the pirates, be ready to dive overboard or run into the cabin. An act of aggression will be put down, that much I’m sure.
You made a terrible mistake in taking this cruise. I cannot promise you will survive this, but odds are hopeful.
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Kula asks:
You have access to a Bed Bath & Beyond— what merchandise in that store would make the best possible weapon?
Luckily for me (in this scenario), “Beyond” covers a lot of ground. They sell knives! This 17 piece knife set would do nicely. The Santoku and 8 steak knives would come in particularly handy.
Now, if I had been stuck in ONLY the Bed and/or Bath section, I would probably grab this toilet tissue stand. It appears to be durable without being too heavy to swing.
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((This blog was in part created due to the below scenario sent to me earlier this year. I have included it as my first post, with some editing done to make it less personal. A link to the original question and answer is available at the bottom of this entry)).
Sussybuckets asks:
What would you do if you had traveled to a landlocked, unfamiliar city like Des Moines, Iowa for a friend’s wedding and just as the ceremony was starting, the church was attacked by zombies? Please be as specific as possible, keeping in mind that you may not know many of your fellow guests and you may not have elected to get a GPS in your rental car.
My goal is escape, obviously. Since this is a friend’s wedding, I assume it will be full of family (both groom and bride). So we’re talking old people and kids. I will, for the purposes of this, assume that this is a good friend. (*see below)
I would grab whatever weapon (chair, cane, champagne bottle) near me and get out of that church as soon as possible. If I can get to my rental car, then I’d drive as fast as possible in the direction of the fewest cars (less likely to crash). I’ve now got probably the best weapon I’ll be able to find: my car. As long as my speed is fast enough, I should be able to avoid broken windows and zombies grabbing me.
So, I need to get out of Des Moines. I’m going to have to pick a direction and see if I can find higher ground. As long as I have daylight, I need to put distance between myself and the city. Less people should hopefully mean less zombies. On the safe side, I’ll do my best to avoid cemeteries (I have no idea what kind of zombies I’m facing).
I can’t stop for survivors, easily available food, or shelter. I will, however, constantly be on the look out of weapons (axes, guns, swords, whatever). I have a tire iron, a flashlight, and whatever I grabbed from the church. I’ve got some clothes and a couple bottles of water (always keep a few while driving).
I’m going to keep driving until my car breaks down. At that point I’m looking for shelter to barricade myself in and, if possible, some food. If my cellphone still has service, I’ll do my best to gather whatever info I can.
From that point forward, I just try and survive as long as I can before I go insane.
*I will freely admit that there are people in my life who I will stand by no matter what. But that is a short list.
IF YOU’VE GOT A SURVIVAL SCENARIO YOU’D LIKE ANSWERED, EMAIL ME AT thebaersurvives@gmail.com or use the ask button.
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The world is a harsh place. With all the zombies, werewolves, and nuclear men walking around, it’s difficult to keep yourself safe.
I’ll do my best to help you with these problems. Please email your scenarios to thebaersurvives@gmail.com and I’ll do my best to help you out.
